The Bussin’ with the Boys squad recently talked about how they are holding a celebrity Beer Olympics this June. After careful consideration and hard work, I’d like to declare myself officially eligible to be invited to join. If the Bussin’ Boys really want a good control group, they would invite an average joe off the street to compete in the games… and I believe I’m the only one declaring myself eligible. Secret time though, Will and Taylor can’t read this, I’m going to turn myself into a Beer Olympics machine in the next few months. I also believe that I have the strategy to distract my other competition and EASILY win the Bussin’ with the Boys Beer Olympics.
The Bussin’ Boys
The first two teams that I would have to beat are Taylor and Will, the boys themselves. Will is easy, get him three beers deep and he’s already distracted. Then, part of my training will be to learn all the history of Nebraska football to chirp Will with. This will cause him to get flustered and lose focus. Once that happens, the drinking will speed up, and just like that Will is useless.
Taylor is a little harder to crack I’d say. Maybe I’d show up wearing a TCU or Ohio State jersey? Maybe I’d figure something out to get him insecure, like talk about his legs? To be honest with you, I think Taylor will be more focused on his hosting duties than winning, so it shouldn’t be all that hard to take him out.
The Heavy Hitters
Let me just get on the record and say, no I cannot beat Shane Gillis drinking. The best part is though, I won’t have to. I’ll constantly be challenging Shane to shot gun races, chug offs, and any other way to get as much beer into his body as possible. The trick is, I’ll purposely throw them and not drink much. I can take getting wildly embarrassed a few times by him to win the trophy. Shane seems like a very self-aware drunk, but hopefully being around all his friends lets him lower his walls, letting the alcohol to his brain faster, and making him sloppy in games like flip cup and beer pong.
Bert Kreisher is so easy. Just get him talking and distracted. Bert is like a windup top; I’d just say hi and watch him go. I bet Bert wouldn’t even know what game we were playing because he would be talking about the time, he went sky diving onto the top of Mount St. Helena as it was erupting for tv. Like Shane, Bert can easily outdrink me all day, I’d just try to out whit them.
Jelly Roll has me worried the most. While I’m over here drinking (insert future sponsor beer name here) Jelly is downing entire bottles of whiskey. I would turn to another weakness of his, drugs. I don’t know much about drugs, I don’t do drugs myself, but I know that being cross faded sucks. So naturally that’s what I would be doing to Jelly Roll. “Hey Jelly, you haven’t smoked your blunt recently” or “Hey Jelly, you look like you’re sobering up” would be common things I said to him. Besides that, I might just have to focus on my personal training, and hope that what I do up in Connecticut travels well to Nashville.
Ernest is another heavy hitter, who I don’t think I’m as worried about anymore. Ernest has a kid, and I think that slowed his drinking down substantially. I think the Beer Olympics would be his day off from the whole dad thing, and as a result he would just be getting loose regardless of how he was performing. That’s where my training would kick in, and I’ll knock Ernest right out of the competition.
This one is easy. I have a massive advantage over the potential athletes that might be there because while they are out lifting weights, I’m lifting cans. While they are hydrating with Gatorade, I’m dehydrating with (sponsored beer name.) The biggest thing that worries me about athletes is they are generally naturally good at stuff, and they have the competitive drive to win everything. I’m a slightly overweight 26-year-old who used to be able to throw a pig skin a quarter mile, but not anymore. I would fall back on my reps that I’m going to acquire over the next few months and my tolerance to outlast any athlete that gets in my way.
George Kittle has me the most worried. Sure, NFL linemen I’m sure are all studs, but I think Kittle is the sneaky underdog. The TE grew up in Wisconsin and played football at Iowa. I’m pretty sure both states only know how to farm and drink, so Kittle gets the benefits of strong roots. He is a Cali boy now though, and I think that has weakened him a little bit. I also think he’s the guy you can butter up a little bit. I wouldn’t be a kiss ass, but I’d certainly watch some of his career highlights and ask some questions about them during competition. When his guard is down though, bam I’ll slam the door and knock him out. Another easy dub for your boy.
Any comedian that isn’t sober is usually an alcoholic it seems. That worries me a little bit, they get down way more often than I do. I think that creates sloppiness. Like Bert, a lot of comedians like to talk, so I’d simply just get them talking and distracted. I might not be able to outright outdrink any comedians, but through the next few months of training I’ll take my ability to focus from an 8-year-old at a candy store to a hawk stalking its prey for hours on end before finally striking. Comedians, easy dub.
I’d imagine that any celebrity drinking event in Nashville is going to have country singers involved, and I hope it does… all easy dubs. This isn’t a question of who can catch a beer from backstage, drink half of it and then throw it into the crowd, this is the Beer Olympics. You must be able to drink more than three beers, and a lot of country singers are soft nowadays. I’m a country music fan, this entire blog is about country music, but I don’t exactly have a lot of stories about country artists ability to drink on here. In fact, I’m pretty sure most of them are sober. So again… easy w for me.
Training starts now for your boy. I’m not sure what games will be played but bet your ass I’ll be a master at flip cup, slap cup, beer pong, chugging, shot gunning, cornhole, and any other skill that will lead me to win. It’ll be a tough road ahead, but just like the Karate Kid, Rocky, and Mr. Incredible, I’ll train until I prevail.
I’m not exactly sure who I would get as a partner yet, but they must be tested. I need someone who can not only hold their own with beer drinking but help me execute my plan. I need someone who is willing to give up the next few months of their lives to become a Beer Olympic weapon just like me. Someone who can help me not look like a dumbass when I get in over my head and get way to drunk way to early. A Beer Olympics qualifier might be necessary to pick that person.
Listen Taylor, we will bring the good vibes. We will shake the hands, smile, not be weird around the celebrities you invite, but don’t be mistaken, we want to win. We will be laughing it up with everyone else, but we will always have one eye on the trophy that night. We might not be celebrities (although Beats Beer Bonfires would grow exponentially if we got invited) but we are the dark horse you need in the tournament. Invite us if you dare, and if you aren’t too afraid to, we will see ya ready to rock.